On October 3rd he asked me what day it was.

I know, right? How am I even supposed to know that? What am I, an Oracle? Did he not check the address? Hello-o-o? I don’t even know why he bothers talking to me anyway. He won’t look at me. He just peeks around the corner with that stupid shield of his hoping to catch a glimpse. I know his Dad put him up to it.

His Dad doesn’t like me, because of the stories. I mean, they’re definitely true. Kind of. A lot of boys come by. Can you blame them? I’m awesome! You don’t even know. But, yeah, the boys. They were all so handsome and buff. Athletes! Runners and wrestlers and really good fighters, too. But none of them could do the one thing I need my man to do. So I had to give them the look. You know. The look. It always stops them right in their tracks. So, obviously, the rest of the stories about me are just stupid lies. Probably his wife told him, up there on their mountain. She tells a lot of lies. She’s so jealous.

Anyway, can you believe he actually asked me what day it was? So lame. There are so many better questions to ask! I mean, just look at m–well, okay. Don’t actually do that, but you know. Like, he could have asked me about this super-hot new top or the bands that’ll be at the autumn festival in the city. Except the lame ones, of course.

Or, you know, he totally could have asked about my hair.

I know, right? Isn’t my hair ah-may-zing? I just got it done yesterday. One of the old ladies with the super-sharp scissors and a really good eye for future fashion did it for me. She’s a little weird but really sweet. Don’t the snakes look great? She braided some of them so they don’t just hang down. I can flip my head and the whip around and look so long and beautiful! Did you see their fangs? No? I guess not. Okay, well, the fangs are perfect! She is such a professional, like she’s always done it! I guess she has. But, oh oh! She gave some of the snakes little bits of color on the scales of their heads so they shimmer in the light that comes through. It is so eye-catching.

So anyway, the boy. Almost forgot him! Yeah, well, I turned him to stone.

It wasn’t like any big deal. Boys like him are cute but so dumb. I called his name and, just like the dumbass he is or, you know, was, he looked right at me Boom. Done. Lame-o Bam-o. Stone just like the others.

But then I carved ‘October 3’ into his forehead with his stupid sword and put him right by the front door. You think some other stupid boy will ask me that question again? Me neither.


I wrote today’s Monsterlogue earlier in the month and you’ll never guess what day it was. Go ahead. Guess!

Well, dang. You figured it out pretty quickly. The whole thing is inspired, of course, by a certain movie in which a certain date plays an important role. It is a movie much beloved by a few of my friends and I figured a monster-based story that took advantage of the date and the feel of a mean young woman might just be fun.

It was. It really was.

Dig the art? Rachael does cool stuff you can buy. I have a couple of her pieces hanging not very far from where I’m typing this. Browse through the goods and pick something up, why don’t you?

One more thing before I finish up here. I’ve started a newsletter to which you can subscribe absolutely free of charge. It’s called Thursday! and it will come out on Wednesday, pretty much every week. I intend for it to be useful and fun and something you want to get instead of one of those things you feel obliged to get. You know the kind of stuff I’m talking about.

Expect the first edition to arrive next month, mostly likely in the second week. Take a chance on me and subscribe to Thursday! You have absolutely nothing to lose except a few minutes of your time. Or you may find a new favorite thing.